The Way I Used to Be

The Way I Used to Be is a YA novel written by author Amber Smith. The book, published in 2016, is a New York Times bestseller. Smith, an advocate for spreading awareness about issues related to gendered violence, tackles themes of sexual and domestic abuse in her young adult novels. The Way I Used to Be follows Eden McCrorey, a teenager who is raped by her older brother’s best friend, Kevin. The novel is divided into four parts, with each part corresponding to a single year in high school—beginning with her freshman year immediately after she is raped and concluding with her senior year. Over that four-year period, the narrative shows the ways in which Eden is transformed—and damaged—by her traumatic experience.

The first part, “Freshman Year,” deals with the immediate aftermath of Eden’s sexual assault. A “band-geek” who is mocked by her peers, Eden forms the Lunch-Break Book Club with her friends Mara, Stephen, and Cameron so that they have an excuse to avoid bullies during their lunch period. At the end of Part 1, Edy’s personality begins to change: She is no longer the “good girl” she used to be. She smokes cigarettes, she quits band, she gets into arguments with her parents. Eden vows that in the year to come, she will not let anyone take advantage of her the way that Kevin did.

In the second part, “Sophomore Year,” Eden is approached by the popular senior Josh Miller during study hall. Eden acts aloof at first, but she eventually agrees to go on a date with Josh. Not long after, Eden and Josh are spending each night together, deepening their relationship even while Eden has difficulty expressing her feelings and being vulnerable around Josh. She refuses to be his girlfriend, even when Josh tells her that he wants to make their relationship official. Meanwhile, the little sister of Kevin, the boy that raped Eden, starts a rumor at school that Eden is a “slut,” writing slurs about Eden all over the bathroom walls. Soon, the entire school is talking about how promiscuous Eden is. On Eden’s birthday, Mara decorates Eden’s locker with a sign that says “Happy 15th birthday,” which reveals to Josh that Eden has been lying about her age. Angry and hurt, Josh confronts Eden and asks her if she would even care if he were arrested for statutory rape. Affecting a cold and hardened exterior, Eden says that she does not care about him, and they break-up. When Caelin, Eden’s older brother, catches wind of the fact that Eden had a relationship with Josh, he beats Josh up at a New Year’s Eve party. Eden is livid that Caelin did this, which further distances Eden and Caelin from each other. Eden’s relationship with her mother and father are strained, too.

Eden’s reputation as a “bad girl”—and, particularly, a promiscuous one—is solidified in the third part, “Junior Year.” Eden and Mara both experiment with drugs and alcohol, and the girls celebrate Mara’s 16th birthday in a playground drinking contraband beers at night, where they meet two stoner guys by the name of Troy and Alex. Troy and Alex introduce the girls to a new social scene, and they begin going to more and more parties together. At one such party, Eden discovers that, through casual sex, she is able to temporarily escape her troubles. Eden sleeps with Troy’s older brother, despite her knowing that Troy has a crush on her. Relations with Eden and her family become even worse; Eden fights with her parents on a daily basis.

By the time Eden is gearing up to graduate high school in the fourth part, “Senior Year,” her life is in a complete downward spiral. Eden does not care about going to college the following year, and the number of casual sexual encounters she has with strangers continues to increase. Alongside drugs and alcohol, sex is Eden’s primary means of escaping her trouble state. When Kevin is accused of rape by a girl in his dorm, a police investigation follows. Eden grapples with whether she should report him. She decides yes, but that she needs to tell Josh first. They meet at a 24-hour diner, where she tells Josh the entire story. Eden tells her brother Caelin next, who is devastated to learn that this happened to Eden. The novel closes with Eden reporting her own rape at the police station.

Through Eden’s story, The Way I Used to Be is a coming-of-age tale that explores themes surrounding the devastating consequences of sexual assault, particularly during the formative adolescent years. The book also investigates the social forces that lead to women’s silence, in general, around sexual violence.