Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself is a best-selling 2021 self-help book by American therapist and social worker Nedra Glover Tawwab. In her work Tawwab explains what boundaries are and how to create them. Using anecdotes from her experiences as a therapist, Tawwab explores the reasons why people struggle to set boundaries with others, and the consequences of allowing others to set the terms of a relationship. The author argues that creating and maintaining boundaries is the best way to protect one’s emotional, physical, and intellectual independence, and is essential to enjoying healthy relationships with friends, family, and coworkers. Tawwab encourages reader engagement by including a variety of examples and opportunities for reflection throughout the book.

This study guide uses the 2021 Piatkus Kindle edition.

Summary

In Chapter 1, the author defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that make you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships” (5). Boundaries clearly lay out the rules of a relationship, help to explain people’s needs, ensure that people will still have time for themselves, and help them feel more calm and secure in the relationship. Tawwab identifies three types of boundaries: “porous” boundaries, which are easily violated; “rigid” boundaries, which are overprotective and paranoid; and “healthy” boundaries, which are clearly communicated and reflect people’s true values and opinions.

In the following chapter the author laments “superhero syndrome,” in which people say yes to too many commitments and become exhausted and discouraged. Some people avoid the discomfort of setting boundaries by moving away, gossiping, complaining, or through avoidance. Tawwab emphasizes that none of these methods truly resolves the problem, and people will still need to learn how to create boundaries in order to not repeat the issue in future relationships.

In Chapter 3, Tawwab reflects on common reasons why people struggle to set boundaries in their relationships. She identifies childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect as experiences that violate one’s boundaries, making it hard to understand how to create them later in life. She explains that it is easy to feel guilty, sad, or even traitorous when setting boundaries, but she encourages the reader to reframe these feelings by focusing on the health of the relationship and honoring one’s own needs.

In Chapter 4, Tawwab argues that there are six types of boundaries people should maintain: Intellectual Boundaries, Emotional Boundaries, Sexual Boundaries, Physical Boundaries, Material Boundaries, and Time Boundaries. Tawwab claims that people tend to struggle with setting Time Boundaries the most. In Chapter 5 she examines the different manifestations of boundary violations. The author discusses Micro Boundary violations, which are small and can happen in “everyday encounters” (80). Microaggressions are small exchanges which are based on biases, such as commenting on someone’s appearance, dialect, or sexuality. Tawwab recommends confronting microaggressions in a clear way or suggesting better phrasing or actions for others. Macro Boundary violations are more significant and cause damage to relationships (80). People in “enmeshed,” “codependent,” “counterdependent,” or “trauma bonded" relationships may find boundaries particularly challenging.

In Chapter 6, Tawwab argues that passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and manipulative boundary-setting are all likely to fail or become disrespectful to others. According to Tawwab, the best boundaries start with words such as “I want,” “I need,” or “I expect,” followed by enforcing one’s boundaries with actions (113). In Chapter 7, the author urges the reader to clearly communicate their wishes to others. She underscores the importance of talking directly to people, rather than about them, and not feeling pressured to justify one’s requests with explanations. In Chapter 8, Tawwab discusses how childhood trauma impacts people’s ability to create and respect boundaries, and may cause them to develop unhealthy attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment.

In Chapter 9, Tawwab explores the concept of “self-boundaries,” which help individuals develop discipline in their lives about what they are and are not allowed to do. Positive self-boundaries may manifest as healthy eating, taking time for rest or holidays, acknowledging one’s feelings without judgment, and sticking to time and budget plans (161). In Chapter 10, the author explores how to successfully set boundaries with parents and in-laws, which she feels is a sign of maturity and independence. Tawwab recommends that partners create boundaries with their own sides of the family: In-laws need boundaries if they gossip about one’s spouse, disrespect parenting choices, or insist on making decisions for the family. In Chapter 11, Tawwab explains the importance of setting boundaries and communicating about big-picture issues such as commitment, marriage, and children early in the relationship to understand each person’s goals and values.

In Chapter 12, Tawwab tackles the issue of setting boundaries in friendships. She recommends considering boundaries for oneself and friends around lending money, offering unwanted advice, and oversharing personal problems. In the following chapter, she explores the challenges and benefits of setting boundaries at work. Tawwab argues that management, human resources, and the general “work culture” can establish poor or healthy boundaries (222). She warns against dismissing poor behavior in the workplace by tolerating boundary violations or labeling toxic people “old dinosaurs” (223).

Next, Tawwab argues that technology such as phones, social media, TV, and gaming can be an intrusive distraction in relationships. Valuable boundaries for technology may include turning off news or text alerts, setting aside an intentional time every day to watch news or browse the internet, or unfollowing people who post annoying or upsetting content.

In her concluding chapter, Tawwab reflects on her own journey with boundaries. Over the years Tawwab has become more comfortable with setting boundaries and feels that they spare her from feeling “resentment and frustration” towards others (249). She reiterates that guilt, discomfort, and doubt are an inherent part of setting boundaries, and that the reader must “persevere with the awareness that your boundaries are not for people to like” (252). The author assures the reader that boundaries can enrich their lives and relationships.