If He Had Been with Me

“I wasn’t with Finny on that August night, but my imagination has burned the scene in my mind so that it feels like a memory.”

The novel begins with these words, introducing the novel’s exploration of Multiple Forms of Grief. The opening line reveals that Autumn’s good friend, Finny, died in August after an accident. The narrative doesn’t provide details but suggests the depth of Autumn’s grief.

The opening line also implies The Subjectivity of Memories. Autumn’s imagining of the accident is so vivid that it feels as if she were there. This foreshadows how her real memories will play an important role throughout the novel, particularly in how they deviate from the way Finny remembers the same events.

“My mother named me Autumn. People say to me “Oh how pretty,” and then the name seems to glide away from them, not grasping all the things that the word should mean to them, shades of red, change, and death.”

Autumn again touches on the theme of grief as she relates her name to both death and transformation. Her name alludes to fall, when leaves die and trees go into hibernation to prepare for winter, a season of ending, change, and darkness. This foreshadows how Autumn will feel hopeless and depressed with Finny’s death.

“For the first few days, Sasha and I eat lunch alone on what I start to call the Steps to Nowhere. The cement steps descend from the front courtyard down a hill to a field of grass and weeds that is used for nothing.”

Autumn depends on her friendship with Sasha, the only friend she has as high school begins. These lines are infused with darkness, describing the field as forlorn and weed-ridden. Though the novel is optimistic up until this point, the description of Autumn and Sasha’s lunch spot foreshadows the grief and despair to come.