Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

One cannot change behavior until one builds connection. In the face of tricky behaviors, the first interventions need to focus on connection, and Dr. Kennedy presents a range of strategies. When children act out, it is usually a sign that they feel disconnected or have some unmet need.

In their emotional bank accounts, connection is the currency, and a child’s behavior reflects the status of the account. A healthy “connection capital” is when a child feels “confident, capable, safe, and worthy” (121), and depleted capital reflects a state of disconnection. Connection capital is spent when a parent asks a child to do something that they don’t want to do, even if necessary. Rebuilding depleted capital allows a child to feel better, which is reflected in their behavior. The best time to do so is when both parent and child are calm and outside the heat of the moment.

One strategy to rebuild capital is “Play No Phone (PNP) Time” (122). As the name indicates, it involves playing with a child without the distraction of devices. It shows the child that they have the parent’s full attention and are important, valued, and loved. This time can be named something special, can be limited to just 10-15 minutes, and must focus on the child’s world, where they choose the mode of play.