Catfish and Mandala: A Two-Wheeled Voyage through the Landscape and Memory of Vietnam

“That evening, I squeak into Pan Toll State Campground drenched in sweat, shaking with fatigue. My knee bleeds from a fall I’d taken a couple of miles back, when the road was too steep […] Somewhere out there ahead of me are Portland, Seattle, Tokyo, Fuji, Kyoto, Saigon, and Hanoi.”

This description of the end of Pham’s first day on the road gives a sense of how vast the distance is that he plans to cover and is an indication of the equally vast figurative distance he will cover emotionally.

“For him, a gay Asian male, his America was outlined by the boundaries of San Francisco and Berkeley. He grew up in San Francisco and having Asian faces around him had become an integral part of life. Like most Vietnamese who have settled in the Bay Area or in Orange County, California, he couldn’t imagine living in the Midwest or the South, anywhere impoverished of Asian faces. No, to a minority, any white face could be a face of violence—a quiet fear we live with.” 

This quote references, Sean, the boyfriend of Pham’s brother, Huy. It touches on “home” being hard to locate for immigrants. Many ethnic and cultural groups feel most at home in communities with people like them. Pham struggles with this as he examines his own cultural identity. If he’s American, he should find acceptance everywhere, but this isn’t the case. The quote also highlights the theme of racism in America. 

“The canes broke over her back. The neighborhood women, wringing their shirttails, muttered that Dad’s cruelty was a curse upon our house. The last cane splintered into bits, and Dad stormed away to find another. Mom dragged Chi up and put Chi’s hand in mine. Take her to Grandma’s, Mom told me. Chi and I fled the house. I returned home that evening, but Chi never wholly came back into our lives again.” 

Pham’s father beats Chi violently for a perceived offense, one that Pham told on her for. At this moment, Chi becomes distant from her family. Pham’s guilt at his role in this led to some soul-searching after Chi committed suicide years later in America.